Remember, Remember

Here are a few, swirling thoughts I’ve had lately:

God’s will is not synonymous with “his want” for bad things to happen. He does not cause sickness, world tragedy, incumbent fear, loss, addiction, toppling doubt, abuse, injustice, and unmet desire. Divinity is nonlinear, meaning we cannot see or understand the grand picture in our limited, transient scope. His will repurposes our great physical, mental and spiritual sufferings to bring them back to eventual order. An Eden before anyone knew we were naked. 

Until then, we will have blood-clogged pores in Gethsemane – the tormented place where our will and God’s disconnect. We step into the same scene at dusk that occasioned a simple prayer from a son: “Abba, Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me; yet, not what I want, but what you want.” 

It is not weak or ignorant or greedy or a lack of faith to petition in prayer. Just because God doesn’t promise it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t come to him with the full expression of our ask. The latter part, “Not my will, but yours,” is a fine prayer by itself, but it leaves out the honest and broken element which Christ wants to hold. We come before God not sorry for what we want and not sugarcoating how we feel, but presenting these to him in their whole human form.

Likewise, omitting God’s will from the end of our garden prayer, coming to Him with nothing more than a plea, leaves an awful lot of space to be crushed beneath the weight of His supposed absence when we don’t get what he has not promised us. Giving our longings over to an unseen will beckons an element of trust which some happen upon too quickly and some never find at all. 

In essence, teach us to pray not one without the other. Help us not to beg without submission and caution us against blissfully submitting without a proper beg. The template of Jesus shows us how to carry both. I want marriage by 30. If I can’t have marriage, I want sex without sin. My marriage is empty and I want out. Would you deliver my brother from the grip of his illness. Please give us a child. I’m fearful that I will miscarry, protect my body and bring this baby full term. Father, my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, let there be a conviction in court for the men that killed my boy…”Yet not my will, but Yours.”

None of the above is promised, and our prayers don’t increase the chances that they’ll be granted. In fact, even after our yielding, we may still come away sickened that He’s forsaken us. But at least we have a dwelling place, a safe pasture in which to unload our anger, sadness, and earnest hopes. At least we know the desires of our heart matter to God. Our emotional pain matters to God. Our humble supplications, they are not too little or too much, they matter to God. Thank you that you consider our grief. In this world, we will have troubles. Let us wrestle them down with You.